California Girl... Picking up and moving to BERLIN!

Change is good. Change is necessary. Change is... a bit daunting... especially if the change you are making is picking up and moving... to another country... and also if you only have five weeks to make said move.

So there it is in a nutshell, I am selling almost everything I own, shipping a few cake making tools, books, photos, etc., packing up a few suitcases, loading my dog up in a travel crate and moving to Berlin... I have four weeks left!

In one week I have gotten an expedited passport, bought my plane ticket ... and my oldest son's (he is leaving a month before me) had a new 15-digit microchip inserted into my dog (now she has 2), and a new rabies shot - required with the new chip. I gave my work a 5-week notice and my apartments notice as well. I have sold most of my big furniture as I have become quite versed on Craigslist.. and not so versed on eBay... I found a large travel crate on Craigslist for $50 which is amazing, even though they said hardly used, it took me about an hour and a half to scrub it good enough to where I felt comfortable letting my dog sit in it for 13 hours on the plane (it could be said that I am a bit of a freak when it comes to my dog, but it's only because I love her so. Last night I sold my car! Thank you CarMax! This morning I took the Big Blue Bus to work... a lovely 30 minute, 3 mile bus ride.

At this moment, the most daunting thing I have to accomplish is to get moved out... I mean get rid of everything in my apartment by Feb. 28th.

I have had a handful of small panic attacks when I start to stress about it, but the amazing thing is that everything is falling into place. I am really not having any doubts about the move...at all! I mean, really!!! My brother is moving into a larger location and wants me to come and run the bakery part of his new restaurant! How many times in a person's life to they basically get handed their dream? All I have to do is get my butt out there... and start baking!

Cheers!
Krissy

I Believe In Love

 I believe in the whole “soul mate” kind of love. The person with whom you have this beautiful connection – that you feel as though you have known forever – because you have.

I really do.

Somehow, however, I haven’t been able to find said person. I have definitely tried, had my heart trampled upon, tossed aside, beaten down… yet, I have always managed to pick myself up, dust myself off, cry, grieve and then manage to continue moving ever onward.

I have not given up the hope of finding the man who, I believe, is also searching for me. I have not lost the faith that this man exists.

I do not know if I am just a hopeless romantic, extremely naïve, or just plain stupid, but I feel as though he is real and that, one day, we will find each other and both of us will just know.

I have learned that searching and trying to make this connection happen does not work. Oftentimes, when I have met someone, I have tried to make something happen, something that was not organic from the start. This is the absolute worst thing I have found that I can do, because by the time I have realized that it is not the right man, it seems to be after my heart has been broken a bit more. I sit there, head in hands, sobbing… understanding that it was not right, but wondering why. Why did I think this person would be different? Why did I put so much energy into trying to make this person out to be “the one”, when clearly, he was not. Why does it always hurt so badly?

I trust - perhaps a little too quickly I suppose. But then I think that I should always trust, until someone gives me reason to not trust, right? Isn’t that what I have been learning these last few years…That the people I meet today are not the same people who have hurt, disappointed, betrayed my trust in the past?

But still, when I meet someone and I do feel a special, warm, knowing connection and it is said, and felt, to be mutual… why then am I feeling that I am right back in that place again of doubt and fear that I have, once again, chosen incorrectly? I trusted too soon, I gave too much of myself too quickly and my head falls to my hands once more.

I am tenacious. I am resilient. I am strong. I am a beautiful, kind, loving, caring soul. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that you are out there waiting, searching for me as well. We will find one another. When that moment comes, we will both know and there will be no fear, there will be no doubt. There will only be pure, true love.

:)

Peace... and ALWAYS Love,

Krissy

Ch.. ch.. cha.. changes!

Holy Moly!
This past year has been a whirlwind of adventure. I have experienced everything from the lowest lows to the highest highs and all of the fun stuff in-between. I will write about each adventure in more detail, but for now, let me just give you some food for thought.

Since June 7, 2011, I have had gallbladder surgery, my older son moved out of state, I moved, I suffered two subsequent abscesses resulting from the gallbladder surgery, I was hit by a woman who ran a red light and totaled my car, I got a new car, and finally, I moved into the most wonderful new place this past weekend in 110 degree Santa Clarita heat. Whew! And you know what?! I feel like the most fortunate and blessed woman in the entire universe!

I am living testament that things definitely happen for a reason AND that we are never given more than we can handle.

My life is beautiful and each and every moment I give thanks for everything - even the woman who totaled my car.

Love and light,
Krissy

Honesty

There is something to be said for those individuals who posses this quality. I have found that genuine honesty is seriously lacking in our society.

Honesty cannot be bought, sold or traded. Honesty is not something that comes and goes on a whim. Honesty is not something you claim possession of once you have been “caught”. Honesty is not something that is taken as a case by case basis.

Honesty is something that is part of your deep-rooted being... your soul. You are either an honest person, or you are not.

I believe it is the responsibility of our parents or guardians to instill in us, when young, the importance of being honest. I believe that parents not only teach by words but, even stronger, by example. I believe, firmly, that actions speak volumes over words. However, once we grow up, it is our responsibility to decide what type of person we want to become.

Recently, a man I was in a relationship with was telling me the wise words of his father, “Don’t get caught”. This should have been an enormous red flag, however, I just laughed and said I thought that was terrible. Fast-forward a couple of weeks and I find that this said man had not been honest with me. Coincidence? I think not.

Suddenly, he is bestowing upon me his words of how important honesty is for building a relationship. Suddenly, he is bestowing upon me gifts and attention. All I can think of is that if I did not catch him in this dishonesty, he would have gotten away with his little fabricated life, scott-free. This, to me, is very sad.

He told me he will be patient with me while I decide what I want to do and he wants us to work this out as a couple. Excuse me... we didn’t get here as a couple. I had no choice. Your untruths were thrust upon me. There are many things I will accept and work through. Deceit is not one of those things.

One of my favorite memories of my oldest son is when I went to pick him up from after-school care when he was about 6. I walked up the stairs and was greeted by a hysterical mother who began telling me how my son cut her son’s hair and how very upset she was. I was shocked to hear this, but could not understand, as this was so uncharacteristic for my son. Her son insisted to her that it was my son who committed this terrible deed. She was infuriated. I was not. I walked, calmly, over to my son and asked him if he cut this other boy’s hair. He responded a simply, “No”. I turned to this woman and told her that my son said he didn’t do it and that my son never lies to me. One of the counselors walked over to see what was going on. When she heard the story, she immediately said that she had witnessed this boy cutting his own hair. He was afraid he would get into trouble, so he decided to blame it on my son. It was one of the proudest moments of my life. I will never forget how incredible it felt to tell her, so matter-of-factly, that my son did not lie to me.

I tell cashiers if they give me too much change. I tell them if they forget to charge me for something. There are times when I would like to fail to mention when I make mistakes at work, but I cannot. Omission of the truth is still dishonesty. Honesty and integrity are so very important and cannot be rebuilt with ease. They are that traits no one can take from you. They are your own. Once the foundation of trust is damaged, it’s like trying to build a house on quicksand.

So, here’s what I think... tell the truth! It is better to be embarrassed, afraid.. anything... rather than breaking someone’s trust - especially the person you claim to love and care about more than anything else in the world. But, more importantly, I know that I have to look myself in the eye every time I look in the mirror. It is up to me to decide what type of person I want to see staring back at me.

“And you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free."
~ John 8:32

Peace and love,
Krissy

Dealing with Muck!

My uncle died last Wednesday.

Uncle Lloyd was my favorite aunt’s husband. She was my father’s baby sister. Aunt Norma. She is the only person in my family - other than my brother and sister - who I physically resemble. I have heard it all of my life from my mother, “you look so much like your aunt Norma.” Not that I minded at all, I always thought she was beautiful - inside and out.

Norma and Lloyd have been married forever it seems. Their son’s, Jeff and Jaime are close to my age (in their 40s). You could just always feel how much they loved one another. Their family was what all families strive to be. I didn’t see them very often, but I love them dearly.

Life is really interesting sometimes. Just when I thought I had successfully managed pull myself up out of the challenges of my life, and to get myself to this really healthy and happy place, I find myself struggling not to lose my balance as the rug feels like it has been abruptly pulled out from under me. I feel as though I am teetering between my healthy, grown-up self and my scared, hurt and abandoned, little girl self. The good news is that I have not lost my balance completely. I am still standing. Definitely a little wobbly, but standing none the less...

I also know that when the teetering feeling begins, I am suppose to be learning something. It is as obvious as learning to grieve? What is it exactly that is upsetting me so much right now? Why am I feeling so trapped within the little girl me right now?

Perhaps it is the way I found out my uncle died. Not a phone call from a relative. Not a letter. Welcome to the golden age of technology. I actually learned of my uncle’s passing in a post by one of my cousins on her Facebook page. Yeah. I looked at that post for probably about 5 minutes, re-reading it to make sure I read it correctly.  “My uncle Lloyd went to sleep tonight and woke up in heaven.”

After I made sure I had read it correctly and indeed, my uncle “woke up in heaven”, the floodgates opened and I cried. I cried for my aunt who loved him so much. I cried for my cousins, because they lost their father. I cried because I read about it on Facebook. I cried because I was reminded that when my own father died, no one called me either. I found out weeks later from my little adopted, half-sister, who was able to track me down and tell me the news because she thought I should know. I cried because I actually knew my uncle better than I knew my own father, and, quite honestly, I hardly knew my uncle. I cried because of the fact that on my father’s side of the family, I loved my aunt Norma and uncle Lloyd the most, because I knew them better than anyone else (other than my grandparents who cared for us for nearly three years when we were small).

It seems as though I have spent years trying to convince myself that it didn’t matter... the fact that my father left us. My brother and sister and I are amazing people and it was his loss that he didn’t know us. I have said this over and over again. Apparently, I am not fully believing or perhaps accepting this as truth. And while I know that I have overcome so many of those feelings of abandonment and hurt and loss, apparently there are more of those feelings lurking just beneath my calm surface. It seems as if all the muck that had settled peacefully at the bottom has been dredged up to the surface, once again. This is a bit unnerving, to say the least. I am not a fan of muck - especially when I thought it was gone. Damn muck! Not fair to be there all along, just waiting for some abrupt current, or nasty rip tide, to bring it all to the surface once again.

I have spent the last two years actively working on myself. Trying to overcome so much of my past - all of the pain and hurt - including the seeming parent/family induced pain. I know that I have the power to move above all of it, and, in all actuality, I thought I had done just that. Yet, here I am... once again... teetering. Teetering and muck, really not one of my high points. Well, I suppose it’s better to be teetering above the muck than wallowing in the muck. That would just really suck.

So, it is now Sunday night. I hit my low point yesterday. Why? Because I could not turn off my brain. I was trying to figure things out. I was trying to make sense of things. That was the problem. I was trying too hard. I was not allowing things to just be. I was laying in bed yesterday, crying and feeling sorry for myself... and my own history has proven that is is not me at my best, nor is it beneficial in the least. As I felt myself slipping into meltdown territory... slipping a little more and more, I realized that I had two choices, I could drag my ass out of bed and do something constructive, or I could continue laying there and get sucked back into all the nasty muck. Thank God I had the strength to drag my ass out of that bed. I can honestly say that my ass was reluctant to move... and it continued to drag for a long while.

So, there I was dragging my ass around my apartment... looking around... looking for something. I opened the blinds in the living room and looked out at the beautiful greenbelt outside my window. That is actually the reason I rented the apartment. It is quite breathtaking. Then I started thinking, “you know, I really need to be able to sit and enjoy that view. So I walked out to my little patio. It wasn’t bad. I have some fresh herbs and a bougainvillea. But the two folding, camping chairs were not very inviting. So I made up my mind right then to upgrade my patio and make a special spot where I could sit and meditate and soak in all the beauty of the trees and nature that surround me. I hauled the rest of the plastic bins to my car to take to my storage unit. I swept up the floor of the patio and then I headed out.

Once the bins were locked safely away, I headed to Home Depot. They didn’t have anything of interest for my patio, except for lovely tomato and pepper plants, which I bought. So I then headed to Lowe’s, right down the street. To my amazement, they had two chairs and a little table for a very reasonable price and I even picked up cushions to boot! My rational side tried to talk me out of the purchase, because it was really not in my budget, but then the part of me that knew it was imperative to be pulled completely out of the muck rationalized right back and with urgency... “this is way cheaper than therapy!” So there you have it. I am sitting on my patio right now as I am typing this (big smile).

I loaded up my new treasures in my little car and dragged them up to my apartment, along with my ass, which was now less reluctant to be moving and even excited about the patio project. I unpacked and put together the little table and unwrapped the protective covers of the chairs and attached the cushions. Ah! Wonderful! I planted the tomato plant in a bigger pot and added the little wire cage. I put some candles out and, viola! My own little paradise.

This morning, I had a little more ass dragging to do. I had to drag the old ass out of bed before 5 a.m. to get it to Agape! Missing services is no longer allowed! The message was beautiful... and, as always, just what I needed to hear. Basically, instead of letting ourselves get caught up in what we consider hard times or lack, wake up everyday, thankful for what we have and say, “what can I do to be an answer to someone else’s prayers?” Wow! So simple, yet so profound. Thanks Michael Bernard Beckwith, you are amazing!

I came home with a completely different outlook. And, the first thing I did was open up my blinds to let in the beauty.

A new friend came over this afternoon with some delicious food and wonderful conversation. We watched a lovely movie called The Legend of 1900, which was sad, but thoughtful and the music was enchanting. Then he left and I had time for me and getting all this stuff out.

I know that my new patio and Agape did not “fix” everything. I know that I may have these things pop up again someday, but I am getting stronger. Stronger in the knowledge that the past is just that - the past. I cannot do anything to change it. I can only be accepting of it and grateful for it... for the lessons and the strength I have gained because of it.

I love my family, and even though some of them are not close, the love will not change. I have learned that I will actively try to never, ever again pity myself because I did not have the “storybook” life while growing up... who does, really? We all have our own muck that needs dealing with at some point... varying degrees, depths and yuckiness at different times of our lives. What we have to remember is that we are strong, we are resilient, we are created in the image and likeness of our Creator. We can overcome anything. We just have to take the first step... dragging our asses out of bed and doing something – anything – beautiful for ourselves. Reminding ourselves that we matter. We are important. We are loved. Because we all do matter, we are all so very important, and we are so loved.

Life is not always easy. Sometimes it is downright hard. However, if we look around... I mean really look around, there is beauty everywhere - it is inside of each one of us.

I am choosing beauty and peace and light. It is way better than muck!

Peace and love!
Krissy

Sept. 15, 2008 - That was then. This is now.

It's so strange to find things like this... I have looked through this folder before over this past year and I only found it today. It's one of those things that makes you go..."Hmmmm...?"

This was written September 15, 2008. 

My husband and I are having serious relationship problems. I have been praying, meditating and asking for guidance. I drew cards from my angel oracle deck, ask your guides, and trust your vibes deck on Sunday, September 14 – one of my Guide’s cards was “Sleep on it” – which I did.

At 1 a.m. I awoke to the sound of a doorbell ringing. The dog didn’t hear it and no one else even budged from their sleep. I checked the door – no one was there. I went back to bed and tried to fall asleep. I woke up again at 1:30 a.m. having a dream. I went into the bathroom and wrote it down. Then as I lay falling back to sleep, I had the following ideas/thoughts come to me. (I wrote these in the dark and was amazed how legible the words were and how much sense they made:

"I am a child of God. I deserve to be treated with kindness, dignity, respect, and compassion. I deserve to be completely cherished and adored. It is not okay for you to trample on my spirit. It is not okay to talk down to me – as I am not less than you. I am a child of God. At this time in my life I have come to realize just what that means. And, while I will always love you – as you are also a child of God – I cannot and will not allow this kind of behavior towards me. I know in my heart that this relationship has reached its end – as I have learned the lessons it was intended to teach me. There are no excuses that can be made for your behavior. I do appreciate that you want to figure out why you act as you do, but I am not able to subject myself to endure anything from those people I choose to have in my life except peace and joy. Anything else is contrary to my true self, and to my spirit.  It is my strongest desire that we can part with peace and love and not hold any grudge for one another."

Flash forward to now... 16 months later. This past year has been a wonderful learning experience. I am happily divorced. I am loving my life. What I have learned: Listen! Listen! Listen! Love and respect yourself. Things always work out the way they should.

Peace and love,

=)

Krissy

2010

First off, let me say, "Wow! 2009 just seemed to fly by!" Second, I am really looking forward to 2010... a new decade... all sorts of possibilities and adventures await.

I have to confess that this year did not start off as I had hoped. I had a meltdown January second. My own, unique version of the classic meltdown complete with uncontrollable crying (sobbing to be precise), laying on the sofa, watching movies on Netflix, drinking a little too much vodka, partially-drunk-meltdown-texting my friend (great friend, old boyfriend - just so you're clear), eating handfuls of chocolate covered almonds and a bowl of popcorn.

I always feel like I am doing well. I feel that I have overcome so many hard times in my life... and I know I have, but then – many of those very things I think I've overcome begin to pop their nasty heads-up, saying, "Hey! Over here! HaHa!! You think you got me? Well think again!" It's like a sick and twisted game of Whack A Mole. And, on this said meltdown day, the Moles seemed to be popping up faster than ever... kinda like Whack A Mole on Crack! It wasn't just one event that contributed to this meltdown, however, I believe that it was an accumulation of many, many things. Things that I felt I had already dealt with, but obviously hadn't - at least not thoroughly.  Oh... and with the hormone shots the doc gave me for my endometriosis, meltdowns like this are even more enjoyable!

Funny how things work... one of the movies I downloaded, was "Defending Your Life". It's an older movie, but it had an amazing message for me. It was about living your life to your fullest and overcoming fear.... Hmmm... Wow! I really did need that message. Thank goodness I had the good sense to stop drinking. I went to bed at 11:30 and vowed to drag my butt out of bed and get myself to church. And that is exactly what I did.

Within 8 hours I felt like a new person.

I went to the 6:25 service and by 9 a.m. I was sitting comfortably on the beach in Santa Monica - reading the Tao of Pooh, entertaining numerous ladybugs that seemed drawn to me, watching surfers - wishing I was in the water as well, but having a very deep sense that everything was going to be fine. That I had successfully managed to drag myself out of the deep, dismal despair I had felt only hours before. I felt warm, happy, content... and very relieved.

Many friends asked me why I hadn't called them. I told them that I thought I just needed to face it and deal with it- I just had to get it all out! I have not been on my own since I left my ex-husband 15 months ago because I had a roommate (best friend) for the first 12. So these past 3 months I have been by myself a lot! Really getting into my own head, heart and soul. I have found that this experience is anything but painless... but it is profound and very necessary.

A week later, everything seems to be falling into place nicely. I finally got back in the water after about 8 weeks of no surfing due to straining my back. I even managed to catch a few waves! Yay!

A couple of my friends and I are working to start a Roller Derby team. This is so exciting and empowering! We try to skate once a week and are practicing basic skills.

As far as the love-life goes... well, let's just say that I have some options. I am taking my time. I am trying to give any new person the benefit of the doubt and not drag past crap into new relationships (not really easy, but with effort I have hope that this can be accomplished). I am enjoying my life and the new people I am meeting. I will not, however, compromise myself for the sake of having a man in my life. Open heart... but open eyes as well. As I have written before, when it's right, I will know. And, in that knowing, I will find the peace I believe can come from a healthy relationship. See? I am not bitter. I do still believe in love and relationships... Yes! I know... that in itself is quite an accomplishment.

And as I have said in the past, I will continue to love and be gentle with myself. After all, if I can't do this, what type of person would I be attracting? (Hint: see post #1)

I will leave you with a message from The Tao of Pooh by Benjamin Hoff, "Through working in harmony with life's circumstances, Taoist understanding changes what others may perceive as negative into something positive."

Peace and Love,
Krissy

Christmas

I woke up Christmas morning by myself.

The first time this has happened in my entire life. I’m not just talking about with a significant other, I’m talking no one else in my house, no kids, no friends, no dog... just me. Alone.

As I was waking up, I allowed my mind to sit with this thought for way too long. It didn’t just sit, it started taking up residence. It’s pathetic little feelers started infiltrating not only my mind, but my heart. I started feeling sorry for myself. I started feeling sad... a few tears actually creeped out of the corners of my eyes... then I had the epiphany: I am by myself, but I am not alone. I tossed and turned a bit to let that settle. I am not alone. I have a beautiful family, beautiful old friends, beautiful new friends. Just because I am not with one of them at this very moment, does not mean I am alone. Silly girl - or as I sometimes say to myself, “duh!” or when I really need to get the point across, as was the case this morning, I say, “what the fuck are you thinking!?”

Seriously... I chose to be where I am right now. And, although it has been difficult at times as I have trudged upon my path, I am grateful to be where I am. Quite honestly, there are times when I do get sad, and wonder, what the hell? Why am I having to go through the crap that I am going through? I really can’t figure it out sometimes. But what I do know, is that I am a pretty cool person; Loving, nonjudgmental, caring. I would not be who I am today without having gone through all that I have.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it. Some may disagree, but believing this helps me get through everyday. I live, I cry, I laugh, I love... I am me and I am glad in that knowledge.

Keep plugging away. I hear it gets easier.
Be kind and gentle with and love yourself.

Peace and love to us all.
=)
Krissy

Taking Care of You...

It has been said that you must take care of yourself before you can take care of anyone else. It has also been said that you must love yourself before you can love anyone else. Throughout the 40 something years I have lived and learned, I have come to believe that both of these statements are very true and very accurate. There is nothing narcissistic about loving yourself. It is of utmost importance in our existence upon this little planet to own our self-worth, to know our value and to love ourselves unconditionally, gently and with our whole hearts. Loving ourselves is the only way we will be able to overcome adversity, to have healthy relationships and to find our own little rays of sunshine that make this life so wonderful.

Before I realized that I must love myself, I did love other people, but I never put myself first. I always did for others, which is not necessarily a bad thing. The negative comes when you put other people’s well-being before your own... when your livelihood actually suffers because you have helped others right into a pile of credit card debt or let them walk all over you (being a doormat is never an attractive quality). I would not change any circumstances of my life, and at the various times in my life where I have helped people, I know it was what I needed to do at the time. I was helping them, AND I was helping myself by learning some mighty powerful lessons.

What brought up these thoughts were a recent first date of mine. I was speaking to this man and was talking about how I have finally learned to take care of myself first and how I had always been really good at taking care of other people, and how I am in such a positive place with myself right now. I will still care for people if they need me, but my well-being comes first. I am not quite sure how he took what I said, because he mentioned how the last woman he had a relationship with was always doing for other people and how she never had time to take care of him. Hmmmm... interesting. I thought about this for a little while. It is not anyone else’s job to take care of him. It is not anyone else's job to take care of me. It is our individual responsibility, our obligation to our own well-being.

The sad thing is that so many of us are looking for someone to take care of us instead of asking the simple question, “How can I take care of me?” I know that we do need people to help us sometimes when we’re sick, when we’re in trouble, but when we are in a place of already loving ourselves, we are not needing out of lack, we are simply being loved. Allowing people to love us and care for us just as we do them. It’s a beautiful cycle, really, that has no end. Love can go on forever, encircling us with grace and beauty, and once we recognize this simple fact, no one will ever want again. I know... it sounds so simple and maybe even a little “out” there to some, but think about it. If we come to people and situations in our lives only from a place of love, then we will WANT to do things for them, because when we are in that place, their joy becomes our joy. Their happiness becomes our happiness. And it is reciprocated in full, because the feelings are so strong and so positive that we just want to always feel that way. Wouldn’t that be a wonderful place to live? I think so. I also think we have some work to do.

I was thinking about it this way one morning when I was making my bed. (I know... just bear with me for a minute.) I was in a hurry and just kind of threw up the sheets and they were a bit rumpled, but I didn’t care, I pulled up the bedspread and threw the pretty pillows on top, and my bed was made and it looked nice. However, the pretty facade of the bedspread and pillows masked the underlying mess of sheets below. And this is what I thought at that moment, we can all pull up the pretty facade and call ourselves put together, and we might appear to be just that. We need to take the time on our inner selves and love ourselves enough to be patient and kind with ourselves. We need to take the time to smooth out the underlying issues, not just cover them up. This is the ultimate in self love. We need to say, “I love myself enough to start inside and work my way outwards.” Because, really that’s the hardest part. Once we love ourselves from the inside out, the out will just shine - and it will shine brightly. So brightly, in fact, that you will be a ray of sunshine in your own little corner of the world. And your light will shine upon everyone around you, casting a beautiful, cascading light that is limitless.

I do understand from years of putting up my happy little facade, that it is not always easy and definitely not always painless. Taking a good look at one’s self in the mirror can be daunting to say the least. But it is a very necessary thing. I will use myself as an example, because I have really learned a lot about myself these last couple of years and had to take some serious long, hard looks at my reflection.

As I have looked at myself under my self-inflicted microscope, here’s what I have come up with; I have been in a cycle of attracting and having relationships with men who have been unhealthy people in my life. OK... so I get that, the hard part is deciphering the why. Why have I allowed this to take place. And, yes... I allowed it. I was basically telling the universe, “Hey Universe, I haven’t learned from the first few relationships. Can you send me more, until I finally learn the lesson that I need to learn? Oh, and make them really tough and painful, so I can really learn my lesson this time.” Yeah. The universe listened and obliged. It always does.

FINALLY, I am able to see what the lesson was I was supposed to learn. I was getting into relationships, not because I thought it was a really good thing for me, but because I was so thankful to have someone who wanted me. I felt so broken inside, and was looking for someone to fix the brokenness... you would have thought I would have learned this lesson years ago, but I guess I really needed to be bashed over the head with this one so it would sink in and stay put. I have learned that I am not broken. I have learned that I, as each of us do, carry the beautiful spark of divinity inside my soul. I have learned that I am whole. I have learned that I am complete. I have learned that I am beautiful. I have learned to be patient and kind with myself. I have learned that I love me just the way that I am, past mistakes and all. I have learned that I do not need a relationship or anything else to fix me... because, once again, I am not broken.

So, as I continue on... moving ever onward, I am choosing to always come into every situation in my life from a place of love. Love for myself, and love for everything and everyone with whom I come in contact. I will ask of each situation or person, “Is this serving me on my journey or is this unhealthy and actually distracting me from my path?” I will be honest and insightful in my responses. I will trust myself and love myself along the way... being ever gentle and kind. And, as I am loving and caring for myself, I will be naturally drawn to love and care for those around me... beautiful circle of light... never ending...

Life really is beautiful.

=)
Peace and love,
Krissy

My Thanks!

We are all given certain lessons to learn in this life. Of that I am positive. We are also given many, many blessings - I have 12 that come to my mind instantly. My 9 brothers and sisters, my 2 sons and my best friend in the entire world... my soul sister. I do believe that these people were chosen to help me on my path, to teach me lessons in compassion, empathy and unconditional love.

I have heard it said that you do not get to choose your family. I whole-heartedly disagree with that sentiment. I believe that we do choose and that we have chosen these same people many times in different capacities... to help teach us different things each time we are on this earth.

Being the 2nd oldest of nine children did have it’s challenges. Life was never dull... or very quiet. I was privileged to see my 7 little brothers and sisters grow up... though through some very difficult challenges... into beautiful, amazing adults. We all still have difficult challenges, however, we have learned that no matter what happens - we have each other. People who love us, unconditionally, even though they know how much we have screwed up. They laugh with us... cry with us. They have held our hands as we have walked on our journey. They have held our hearts when they are broken and have helped picked up the pieces when all else seemed lost.

My children are nine years apart. Each is unique and has taught me different things. I love them both will all of my heart and soul... until the day I die - and even beyond. I am honored that I was entrusted with them here and I know that I have fallen short in some areas – loving them was not one of them. There is never a moment when I am not worried about their well being. Hoping and praying that they know how much they are loved, so that they can also love in their lives. They are polar opposites of each other, but each amazing in their own ways. Beautiful, kind, loving, creative... I am truly blessed.

We are also given people in this life who are not related to us biologically, however, are just as much a part of our souls as our families. My beautiful friend Kimmi is that person. I have many dear friends whom I love with all my heart, however, the gift of this beautiful woman’s friendship is one I will be forever grateful. We have known each other before... and I know we will know each other again. We knew it the moment we met. We have been through a roller coaster ride of events in our lives... and 14 years later, we still love each other. That alone speaks volumes.

This life is a challenge. That is the truth! However, I feel as I am the most blessed person in the world. I will feel this way for the rest of my life.

Thank you... Universe... God... All The Powers That Be! I know that all is well in my little corner of the world.

Peace and love,

Krissy

Just being me...

Being that my divorce will be final this week, I have begun to test the tumultuous waters of dating… ever so gently, with the very tip-tops of my toes.

It is an interesting experience, because for the past 11 months, I have said that I do not want another serious relationship. I like being able to do whatever I want without asking permission. But even more than that, I am enjoying just being. Being peaceful, being happy, and just simply being me.

I have spent time with myself, exploring the depths of my soul - praying, meditating and just hanging out with me. I have come to know who I am and to value my uniqueness and my character. I am an amazing woman. I am strong and confident, independent and charismatic. I am kind, caring and generous. I can and have overcome pretty much anything and everything that has been thrown at me - with grace and dignity - and a really good sense of humor.

Recently, my best and dearest friend found new love and she is beyond happy. I am so thrilled for her - because I love her and always want her to be happy. She told me one evening, out of the sweetness that is her heart, that she wants me to have what she has because she has never felt this before and she wants me to be just as happy. And, while it is beautiful for her… I do have a few words regarding the perceived lack of love in my life.

I do not feel as though I am lacking anything right now. I really like where I am on my journey. I love the person I have become. I have truly learned so much about myself throughout my life, but so much so in the past couple of years, and am so at peace with what I have experienced and overcome (and believe me I have overcome quite a bit). I am continuing to learn and grow and experience new things. Every day is another precious step on this path that is my life. Sometimes the steps are steep and winding and seemingly up-hill and other times they are smooth and gentle. I have learned to appreciate every single step - especially the steep ones. (I have found that you learn more from those ones).

It is amazing, because I have met so many people recently who tell me that I have such a peaceful energy… very positive and that it radiates from within me and that they can actually feel the energy. I cannot describe how it makes me feel to hear these words, because THAT is exactly how I feel at this moment in my life; Peaceful, calm, and content.

So... allow me to meander back to the relationship issue. Yes. I would, someday, like very much to find that special someone who I know is looking for me. I would love to have the companionship… the warmth... the passion. I have no doubt that I will find this person at some point. The beautiful thing is that I know there is no time limit on finding this person, because I believe that we will find each other when the timing is right.

So, as I dip my toes into the water… ever so gently, swirling them around a bit, enjoying the cool sensation around each toe, I am at peace knowing that I do not have to jump into the water unless it is what I want. I can wiggle my toes for as long as I desire. And then, when I am comfortable I can, perhaps, put in my whole foot... slowly - enjoying each moment, gradually, and with great care. And look, just like that the water is now calm, peaceful, and gentle. Isn't life beautiful?!

Peace and Love,
Krissy

Just say, "No!"

One of the best things about me is that I am usually upbeat, positive and very happy. Given the experiences I have had in the past, that is really an amazing thing - to say the very least.

Friday night started out pretty good. After working 9.5 hours, I met my girlfriends for dinner and a drink after work while I was waiting for my son to decide when he wanted to be picked up from hanging out with his friends.

And then…  I got the phone call. The one from the guy I went on a date with last week. The call then sent my beautiful, peaceful night into a frappin’ downward spiral... well, only for a little bit – until I came to my senses.

I have decided that I would not jump into a relationship quickly ever again, because that is what seems to have gotten me into trouble.... but I also strive to be honest and up front about things.


Lesson learned: You don’t have to tell a first date your entire life story. In fact... it’s best to leave that to the people you deem extremely trustworthy - because in untrustworthy hands, the very things you have struggled to overcome become weapons of mass destruction. The very things you have fought for and against can be held over your head in an attempt to make you feel less of a person.

Thank God I have learned my own value and know my own self-worth!

So I say to you... mister downtrodden, mister bring-down, mister negativity, mister judgmental... you have picked the wrong woman to mess with.

I will no longer allow anyone to attack my character, spirit or my mind. I know I have made mistakes, but I have learned from them. I know my life is anything but ordinary - and I rejoice in that knowledge. I am strong, courageous and confident. And I will be damned if I let some insecure, little man try to rip those triumphs from me. I have fought too long and too hard to have it become unraveled by the likes of you.

So, as you slither back into the crevice you crawled out from in the first place, take this into consideration... people make mistakes. It is not your job to dangle other people’s failures over their heads in order for you to feel better about your miserably pathetic little life. People should be applauded for overcoming adversity, not condemned because they faced it in the first place.

Thank you. Thank you for opening my eyes even more. Thank you for reminding me not to trust too quickly. Thank you for showing your true colors within a week, rather than months down the line. I appreciate that.

And I end with this. I am truly sorry you are in pain. But I am not the one who caused your pain. Lashing out at everyone for some other person’s faults is not healthy or constructive. Please know that I wish you no ill will. But also know that I will not EVER, ever put up with anything less than beauty and peace in my life.

Please take care of yourself.

Krissy

Trust

It seems that along my winding, twisting and seemingly uphill journey, I have come across some unscrupulous characters, to whom honesty and integrity were severely lacking. People whom I have allowed to take advantage of my kindness. But through it all, I have continually managed to pick myself up, dust myself off and continue along my path. A little bruised and banged up at times, but still whole... and still pluggin’ away.

I have seen some amazing and beautiful things. I have had miraculous experiences. I love my life.

Why is it then, that I still seem inclined to throw up my walls - my fortress of impenetrable protection - whenever some past memory of betrayal is triggered?

I have come a long way on this journey of mine. I don’t just react. I have learned to understand, to think, to take my time, to be gentle with myself. I have always known how to be gentle with others, but it was difficult learning to be patient and understanding with myself. It’s really quite funny, all my brothers and sisters and friends have thought I have always been so strong. And, while true to a point, in the past I had always cared more about other peoples feelings than for my own. I could stick up for anybody else... except myself. That has been one of the biggest lessons I have had to learn, I suppose.

Apparently, it is lesson time again. Such is life... one big, never ending classroom. I do think that by now I should have earned some serious extra credit points, and yet... here I am, wanting to sit in the front of the class, feeling as though I am sitting in the dunce chair. Holy crap. I feel like I have had so many lessons thrown at me, that I should at least have an honorary doctorate degree in keeping going.

So, now we come to the fun part. This week’s lesson is trust. Remembering that the people who are in our lives today are not the same schmucks from the past who trampled on our hearts... that is the lesson. Surprising how simple it sounds, and yet how very difficult it can be at times.

It’s a really good thing that I am surrounded by really wise and amazing friends. One of whom told me the most beautiful thing recently. She told me that I have the power and strength within me to get back to that place of innocence. Back to where trust was natural. Back before the hurt and the pain. And that my friends, is what I am striving to accomplish.

Each day I learn more. Each day I am shown more. Each day I know more. And knowing is growing... knowing that just because something negative happened in the past, does not destine similar things to happen in the future. Knowing that if I put my time and energy into worrying about what might be, I am missing out on what is here and now. Knowing that I am the creator of my own destiny. Knowing that I am only responsible for my actions, not anyone else's. Knowing that I can only accept what is with a grateful heart. Knowing that everything happens for a reason, good or bad. Knowing that we are to keep learning everyday of our lives. That is how we appreciate how far we have come. And that is why we should not ever take anything for granted.

And so I travel on...remembering to be gentle and patient with myself, advice from another amazing friend. Knowing that I am exactly where I am suppose to be on this path. Eyes still wide open, yet opening up my heart once more, replacing the fear with hope... baby steps. I will get there eventually, as will we all.

Peace and love,
Kristina =)

What would I say?

I have been wondering about a lot of things lately. I know it has to do with the journey I am on in my life and the current spot on the road where I happen to be on that very journey. So, I am wondering, pondering, learning – about myself and where I am headed and trying to heal from past wounds.

Last night my mind drifted to a not so distant past, well OK, a little distant, but there you were. Smack-dab in the middle of my mind, leaving virtually no room for anything else! I am amazed that someone who really had so little interaction with me could make such an impact in so many aspects of my life.

I am learning that when things like this pop their stinky, sour, little heads up, it is best to deal with them “head-on” if you will, and with full-force. This is why I am writing this note.

With that being said… and a deep and heavy breath, I have to think of what I would say to you if you were able to stand before me right now.

Well... here goes something…
I think it’s my need for answers to questions I have had for so many years, – like since I was 2. I often wonder why? Why did you do or not do so many things in your life? Why were you not there for us? And, while I have very fond memories of the three years we spent on grandma & grandpa’s farm, why did you take us away from our mother and drop us off there? Why were you there for someone else’s children and not your own?

And while I do not hate you, I would be lying if I said those feelings have never crossed my mind. I still wonder sometimes… but I know that in this lifetime I will never know why. What I do know, is that everything I have gone through has made me a stronger and better person – the person I am today. I also know, that while, yes – my sister has always been and will always be beautiful, she was not "always the pretty one” as you pointed out to me... it has taken me a long time to get that one out of my head.

I was not there, dad. I did not walk in your shoes. I can only speculate, which I know is not healthy or constructive. Right now, I am working at being at peace with you. I have to believe that you did the very best you could with what you had at each given moment in your life.

And now, I want to thank you. Thank you for my beautiful brother and sister. Without them life would have been dismal and dreary. They have and will always be there for me and I for them - they are the greatest gifts you could have ever given me. Thank you for passing down the creative genes as they have served me well. Thank you for your parents - they are the best grandparents in the entire universe. Please give them hugs for me.

Being whole

I am sitting and worrying and doubting - wasting my time and energy. I see that the calm facade I have created to show the world that everything is beautiful and perfect, appears to be cracking in places, right before my eyes.

But wait. Why I am allowing this? I actually now know my own self worth. I actually know and believe that I deserve all that the universe has to offer me - and that it is all mine for the taking.

With that being said, I cannot understand why it seems as though I am falling back into the deep, dark abyss of self doubt... 

Thank God it hasn't overpowered me this time. From far below I can see the surface of the water - the light dancing, stretching it's rays, reaching down to me... reminding me that I don't need any of this doubt or worry. No one can complete me, for I am whole beyond compare.

Why is it that I sometimes forget. How is it that I get caught up in the so-called magic... trapped as if captured in the stickiness of a spider's web and the more I struggle for answers, the more stuck I become?

I will be still. I will listen... listen to the guidance and energy that surround me. I am safe. I will not allow anyone to hurt me anymore. For it is within me to find my happiness - and that happiness is independent from everything around me. This I have learned. This I will remember.

For when it is right, I will not doubt... I will not wonder... I will not be afraid. When it is right, my heart will rejoice and then, and only then will I know the true meaning of love.

Peace & Love,

Kristina   =)