Sept. 15, 2008 - That was then. This is now.

It's so strange to find things like this... I have looked through this folder before over this past year and I only found it today. It's one of those things that makes you go..."Hmmmm...?"

This was written September 15, 2008. 

My husband and I are having serious relationship problems. I have been praying, meditating and asking for guidance. I drew cards from my angel oracle deck, ask your guides, and trust your vibes deck on Sunday, September 14 – one of my Guide’s cards was “Sleep on it” – which I did.

At 1 a.m. I awoke to the sound of a doorbell ringing. The dog didn’t hear it and no one else even budged from their sleep. I checked the door – no one was there. I went back to bed and tried to fall asleep. I woke up again at 1:30 a.m. having a dream. I went into the bathroom and wrote it down. Then as I lay falling back to sleep, I had the following ideas/thoughts come to me. (I wrote these in the dark and was amazed how legible the words were and how much sense they made:

"I am a child of God. I deserve to be treated with kindness, dignity, respect, and compassion. I deserve to be completely cherished and adored. It is not okay for you to trample on my spirit. It is not okay to talk down to me – as I am not less than you. I am a child of God. At this time in my life I have come to realize just what that means. And, while I will always love you – as you are also a child of God – I cannot and will not allow this kind of behavior towards me. I know in my heart that this relationship has reached its end – as I have learned the lessons it was intended to teach me. There are no excuses that can be made for your behavior. I do appreciate that you want to figure out why you act as you do, but I am not able to subject myself to endure anything from those people I choose to have in my life except peace and joy. Anything else is contrary to my true self, and to my spirit.  It is my strongest desire that we can part with peace and love and not hold any grudge for one another."

Flash forward to now... 16 months later. This past year has been a wonderful learning experience. I am happily divorced. I am loving my life. What I have learned: Listen! Listen! Listen! Love and respect yourself. Things always work out the way they should.

Peace and love,

=)

Krissy

2010

First off, let me say, "Wow! 2009 just seemed to fly by!" Second, I am really looking forward to 2010... a new decade... all sorts of possibilities and adventures await.

I have to confess that this year did not start off as I had hoped. I had a meltdown January second. My own, unique version of the classic meltdown complete with uncontrollable crying (sobbing to be precise), laying on the sofa, watching movies on Netflix, drinking a little too much vodka, partially-drunk-meltdown-texting my friend (great friend, old boyfriend - just so you're clear), eating handfuls of chocolate covered almonds and a bowl of popcorn.

I always feel like I am doing well. I feel that I have overcome so many hard times in my life... and I know I have, but then – many of those very things I think I've overcome begin to pop their nasty heads-up, saying, "Hey! Over here! HaHa!! You think you got me? Well think again!" It's like a sick and twisted game of Whack A Mole. And, on this said meltdown day, the Moles seemed to be popping up faster than ever... kinda like Whack A Mole on Crack! It wasn't just one event that contributed to this meltdown, however, I believe that it was an accumulation of many, many things. Things that I felt I had already dealt with, but obviously hadn't - at least not thoroughly.  Oh... and with the hormone shots the doc gave me for my endometriosis, meltdowns like this are even more enjoyable!

Funny how things work... one of the movies I downloaded, was "Defending Your Life". It's an older movie, but it had an amazing message for me. It was about living your life to your fullest and overcoming fear.... Hmmm... Wow! I really did need that message. Thank goodness I had the good sense to stop drinking. I went to bed at 11:30 and vowed to drag my butt out of bed and get myself to church. And that is exactly what I did.

Within 8 hours I felt like a new person.

I went to the 6:25 service and by 9 a.m. I was sitting comfortably on the beach in Santa Monica - reading the Tao of Pooh, entertaining numerous ladybugs that seemed drawn to me, watching surfers - wishing I was in the water as well, but having a very deep sense that everything was going to be fine. That I had successfully managed to drag myself out of the deep, dismal despair I had felt only hours before. I felt warm, happy, content... and very relieved.

Many friends asked me why I hadn't called them. I told them that I thought I just needed to face it and deal with it- I just had to get it all out! I have not been on my own since I left my ex-husband 15 months ago because I had a roommate (best friend) for the first 12. So these past 3 months I have been by myself a lot! Really getting into my own head, heart and soul. I have found that this experience is anything but painless... but it is profound and very necessary.

A week later, everything seems to be falling into place nicely. I finally got back in the water after about 8 weeks of no surfing due to straining my back. I even managed to catch a few waves! Yay!

A couple of my friends and I are working to start a Roller Derby team. This is so exciting and empowering! We try to skate once a week and are practicing basic skills.

As far as the love-life goes... well, let's just say that I have some options. I am taking my time. I am trying to give any new person the benefit of the doubt and not drag past crap into new relationships (not really easy, but with effort I have hope that this can be accomplished). I am enjoying my life and the new people I am meeting. I will not, however, compromise myself for the sake of having a man in my life. Open heart... but open eyes as well. As I have written before, when it's right, I will know. And, in that knowing, I will find the peace I believe can come from a healthy relationship. See? I am not bitter. I do still believe in love and relationships... Yes! I know... that in itself is quite an accomplishment.

And as I have said in the past, I will continue to love and be gentle with myself. After all, if I can't do this, what type of person would I be attracting? (Hint: see post #1)

I will leave you with a message from The Tao of Pooh by Benjamin Hoff, "Through working in harmony with life's circumstances, Taoist understanding changes what others may perceive as negative into something positive."

Peace and Love,
Krissy