Trust

It seems that along my winding, twisting and seemingly uphill journey, I have come across some unscrupulous characters, to whom honesty and integrity were severely lacking. People whom I have allowed to take advantage of my kindness. But through it all, I have continually managed to pick myself up, dust myself off and continue along my path. A little bruised and banged up at times, but still whole... and still pluggin’ away.

I have seen some amazing and beautiful things. I have had miraculous experiences. I love my life.

Why is it then, that I still seem inclined to throw up my walls - my fortress of impenetrable protection - whenever some past memory of betrayal is triggered?

I have come a long way on this journey of mine. I don’t just react. I have learned to understand, to think, to take my time, to be gentle with myself. I have always known how to be gentle with others, but it was difficult learning to be patient and understanding with myself. It’s really quite funny, all my brothers and sisters and friends have thought I have always been so strong. And, while true to a point, in the past I had always cared more about other peoples feelings than for my own. I could stick up for anybody else... except myself. That has been one of the biggest lessons I have had to learn, I suppose.

Apparently, it is lesson time again. Such is life... one big, never ending classroom. I do think that by now I should have earned some serious extra credit points, and yet... here I am, wanting to sit in the front of the class, feeling as though I am sitting in the dunce chair. Holy crap. I feel like I have had so many lessons thrown at me, that I should at least have an honorary doctorate degree in keeping going.

So, now we come to the fun part. This week’s lesson is trust. Remembering that the people who are in our lives today are not the same schmucks from the past who trampled on our hearts... that is the lesson. Surprising how simple it sounds, and yet how very difficult it can be at times.

It’s a really good thing that I am surrounded by really wise and amazing friends. One of whom told me the most beautiful thing recently. She told me that I have the power and strength within me to get back to that place of innocence. Back to where trust was natural. Back before the hurt and the pain. And that my friends, is what I am striving to accomplish.

Each day I learn more. Each day I am shown more. Each day I know more. And knowing is growing... knowing that just because something negative happened in the past, does not destine similar things to happen in the future. Knowing that if I put my time and energy into worrying about what might be, I am missing out on what is here and now. Knowing that I am the creator of my own destiny. Knowing that I am only responsible for my actions, not anyone else's. Knowing that I can only accept what is with a grateful heart. Knowing that everything happens for a reason, good or bad. Knowing that we are to keep learning everyday of our lives. That is how we appreciate how far we have come. And that is why we should not ever take anything for granted.

And so I travel on...remembering to be gentle and patient with myself, advice from another amazing friend. Knowing that I am exactly where I am suppose to be on this path. Eyes still wide open, yet opening up my heart once more, replacing the fear with hope... baby steps. I will get there eventually, as will we all.

Peace and love,
Kristina =)

What would I say?

I have been wondering about a lot of things lately. I know it has to do with the journey I am on in my life and the current spot on the road where I happen to be on that very journey. So, I am wondering, pondering, learning – about myself and where I am headed and trying to heal from past wounds.

Last night my mind drifted to a not so distant past, well OK, a little distant, but there you were. Smack-dab in the middle of my mind, leaving virtually no room for anything else! I am amazed that someone who really had so little interaction with me could make such an impact in so many aspects of my life.

I am learning that when things like this pop their stinky, sour, little heads up, it is best to deal with them “head-on” if you will, and with full-force. This is why I am writing this note.

With that being said… and a deep and heavy breath, I have to think of what I would say to you if you were able to stand before me right now.

Well... here goes something…
I think it’s my need for answers to questions I have had for so many years, – like since I was 2. I often wonder why? Why did you do or not do so many things in your life? Why were you not there for us? And, while I have very fond memories of the three years we spent on grandma & grandpa’s farm, why did you take us away from our mother and drop us off there? Why were you there for someone else’s children and not your own?

And while I do not hate you, I would be lying if I said those feelings have never crossed my mind. I still wonder sometimes… but I know that in this lifetime I will never know why. What I do know, is that everything I have gone through has made me a stronger and better person – the person I am today. I also know, that while, yes – my sister has always been and will always be beautiful, she was not "always the pretty one” as you pointed out to me... it has taken me a long time to get that one out of my head.

I was not there, dad. I did not walk in your shoes. I can only speculate, which I know is not healthy or constructive. Right now, I am working at being at peace with you. I have to believe that you did the very best you could with what you had at each given moment in your life.

And now, I want to thank you. Thank you for my beautiful brother and sister. Without them life would have been dismal and dreary. They have and will always be there for me and I for them - they are the greatest gifts you could have ever given me. Thank you for passing down the creative genes as they have served me well. Thank you for your parents - they are the best grandparents in the entire universe. Please give them hugs for me.