Christmas

I woke up Christmas morning by myself.

The first time this has happened in my entire life. I’m not just talking about with a significant other, I’m talking no one else in my house, no kids, no friends, no dog... just me. Alone.

As I was waking up, I allowed my mind to sit with this thought for way too long. It didn’t just sit, it started taking up residence. It’s pathetic little feelers started infiltrating not only my mind, but my heart. I started feeling sorry for myself. I started feeling sad... a few tears actually creeped out of the corners of my eyes... then I had the epiphany: I am by myself, but I am not alone. I tossed and turned a bit to let that settle. I am not alone. I have a beautiful family, beautiful old friends, beautiful new friends. Just because I am not with one of them at this very moment, does not mean I am alone. Silly girl - or as I sometimes say to myself, “duh!” or when I really need to get the point across, as was the case this morning, I say, “what the fuck are you thinking!?”

Seriously... I chose to be where I am right now. And, although it has been difficult at times as I have trudged upon my path, I am grateful to be where I am. Quite honestly, there are times when I do get sad, and wonder, what the hell? Why am I having to go through the crap that I am going through? I really can’t figure it out sometimes. But what I do know, is that I am a pretty cool person; Loving, nonjudgmental, caring. I would not be who I am today without having gone through all that I have.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it. Some may disagree, but believing this helps me get through everyday. I live, I cry, I laugh, I love... I am me and I am glad in that knowledge.

Keep plugging away. I hear it gets easier.
Be kind and gentle with and love yourself.

Peace and love to us all.
=)
Krissy

Taking Care of You...

It has been said that you must take care of yourself before you can take care of anyone else. It has also been said that you must love yourself before you can love anyone else. Throughout the 40 something years I have lived and learned, I have come to believe that both of these statements are very true and very accurate. There is nothing narcissistic about loving yourself. It is of utmost importance in our existence upon this little planet to own our self-worth, to know our value and to love ourselves unconditionally, gently and with our whole hearts. Loving ourselves is the only way we will be able to overcome adversity, to have healthy relationships and to find our own little rays of sunshine that make this life so wonderful.

Before I realized that I must love myself, I did love other people, but I never put myself first. I always did for others, which is not necessarily a bad thing. The negative comes when you put other people’s well-being before your own... when your livelihood actually suffers because you have helped others right into a pile of credit card debt or let them walk all over you (being a doormat is never an attractive quality). I would not change any circumstances of my life, and at the various times in my life where I have helped people, I know it was what I needed to do at the time. I was helping them, AND I was helping myself by learning some mighty powerful lessons.

What brought up these thoughts were a recent first date of mine. I was speaking to this man and was talking about how I have finally learned to take care of myself first and how I had always been really good at taking care of other people, and how I am in such a positive place with myself right now. I will still care for people if they need me, but my well-being comes first. I am not quite sure how he took what I said, because he mentioned how the last woman he had a relationship with was always doing for other people and how she never had time to take care of him. Hmmmm... interesting. I thought about this for a little while. It is not anyone else’s job to take care of him. It is not anyone else's job to take care of me. It is our individual responsibility, our obligation to our own well-being.

The sad thing is that so many of us are looking for someone to take care of us instead of asking the simple question, “How can I take care of me?” I know that we do need people to help us sometimes when we’re sick, when we’re in trouble, but when we are in a place of already loving ourselves, we are not needing out of lack, we are simply being loved. Allowing people to love us and care for us just as we do them. It’s a beautiful cycle, really, that has no end. Love can go on forever, encircling us with grace and beauty, and once we recognize this simple fact, no one will ever want again. I know... it sounds so simple and maybe even a little “out” there to some, but think about it. If we come to people and situations in our lives only from a place of love, then we will WANT to do things for them, because when we are in that place, their joy becomes our joy. Their happiness becomes our happiness. And it is reciprocated in full, because the feelings are so strong and so positive that we just want to always feel that way. Wouldn’t that be a wonderful place to live? I think so. I also think we have some work to do.

I was thinking about it this way one morning when I was making my bed. (I know... just bear with me for a minute.) I was in a hurry and just kind of threw up the sheets and they were a bit rumpled, but I didn’t care, I pulled up the bedspread and threw the pretty pillows on top, and my bed was made and it looked nice. However, the pretty facade of the bedspread and pillows masked the underlying mess of sheets below. And this is what I thought at that moment, we can all pull up the pretty facade and call ourselves put together, and we might appear to be just that. We need to take the time on our inner selves and love ourselves enough to be patient and kind with ourselves. We need to take the time to smooth out the underlying issues, not just cover them up. This is the ultimate in self love. We need to say, “I love myself enough to start inside and work my way outwards.” Because, really that’s the hardest part. Once we love ourselves from the inside out, the out will just shine - and it will shine brightly. So brightly, in fact, that you will be a ray of sunshine in your own little corner of the world. And your light will shine upon everyone around you, casting a beautiful, cascading light that is limitless.

I do understand from years of putting up my happy little facade, that it is not always easy and definitely not always painless. Taking a good look at one’s self in the mirror can be daunting to say the least. But it is a very necessary thing. I will use myself as an example, because I have really learned a lot about myself these last couple of years and had to take some serious long, hard looks at my reflection.

As I have looked at myself under my self-inflicted microscope, here’s what I have come up with; I have been in a cycle of attracting and having relationships with men who have been unhealthy people in my life. OK... so I get that, the hard part is deciphering the why. Why have I allowed this to take place. And, yes... I allowed it. I was basically telling the universe, “Hey Universe, I haven’t learned from the first few relationships. Can you send me more, until I finally learn the lesson that I need to learn? Oh, and make them really tough and painful, so I can really learn my lesson this time.” Yeah. The universe listened and obliged. It always does.

FINALLY, I am able to see what the lesson was I was supposed to learn. I was getting into relationships, not because I thought it was a really good thing for me, but because I was so thankful to have someone who wanted me. I felt so broken inside, and was looking for someone to fix the brokenness... you would have thought I would have learned this lesson years ago, but I guess I really needed to be bashed over the head with this one so it would sink in and stay put. I have learned that I am not broken. I have learned that I, as each of us do, carry the beautiful spark of divinity inside my soul. I have learned that I am whole. I have learned that I am complete. I have learned that I am beautiful. I have learned to be patient and kind with myself. I have learned that I love me just the way that I am, past mistakes and all. I have learned that I do not need a relationship or anything else to fix me... because, once again, I am not broken.

So, as I continue on... moving ever onward, I am choosing to always come into every situation in my life from a place of love. Love for myself, and love for everything and everyone with whom I come in contact. I will ask of each situation or person, “Is this serving me on my journey or is this unhealthy and actually distracting me from my path?” I will be honest and insightful in my responses. I will trust myself and love myself along the way... being ever gentle and kind. And, as I am loving and caring for myself, I will be naturally drawn to love and care for those around me... beautiful circle of light... never ending...

Life really is beautiful.

=)
Peace and love,
Krissy

My Thanks!

We are all given certain lessons to learn in this life. Of that I am positive. We are also given many, many blessings - I have 12 that come to my mind instantly. My 9 brothers and sisters, my 2 sons and my best friend in the entire world... my soul sister. I do believe that these people were chosen to help me on my path, to teach me lessons in compassion, empathy and unconditional love.

I have heard it said that you do not get to choose your family. I whole-heartedly disagree with that sentiment. I believe that we do choose and that we have chosen these same people many times in different capacities... to help teach us different things each time we are on this earth.

Being the 2nd oldest of nine children did have it’s challenges. Life was never dull... or very quiet. I was privileged to see my 7 little brothers and sisters grow up... though through some very difficult challenges... into beautiful, amazing adults. We all still have difficult challenges, however, we have learned that no matter what happens - we have each other. People who love us, unconditionally, even though they know how much we have screwed up. They laugh with us... cry with us. They have held our hands as we have walked on our journey. They have held our hearts when they are broken and have helped picked up the pieces when all else seemed lost.

My children are nine years apart. Each is unique and has taught me different things. I love them both will all of my heart and soul... until the day I die - and even beyond. I am honored that I was entrusted with them here and I know that I have fallen short in some areas – loving them was not one of them. There is never a moment when I am not worried about their well being. Hoping and praying that they know how much they are loved, so that they can also love in their lives. They are polar opposites of each other, but each amazing in their own ways. Beautiful, kind, loving, creative... I am truly blessed.

We are also given people in this life who are not related to us biologically, however, are just as much a part of our souls as our families. My beautiful friend Kimmi is that person. I have many dear friends whom I love with all my heart, however, the gift of this beautiful woman’s friendship is one I will be forever grateful. We have known each other before... and I know we will know each other again. We knew it the moment we met. We have been through a roller coaster ride of events in our lives... and 14 years later, we still love each other. That alone speaks volumes.

This life is a challenge. That is the truth! However, I feel as I am the most blessed person in the world. I will feel this way for the rest of my life.

Thank you... Universe... God... All The Powers That Be! I know that all is well in my little corner of the world.

Peace and love,

Krissy

Just being me...

Being that my divorce will be final this week, I have begun to test the tumultuous waters of dating… ever so gently, with the very tip-tops of my toes.

It is an interesting experience, because for the past 11 months, I have said that I do not want another serious relationship. I like being able to do whatever I want without asking permission. But even more than that, I am enjoying just being. Being peaceful, being happy, and just simply being me.

I have spent time with myself, exploring the depths of my soul - praying, meditating and just hanging out with me. I have come to know who I am and to value my uniqueness and my character. I am an amazing woman. I am strong and confident, independent and charismatic. I am kind, caring and generous. I can and have overcome pretty much anything and everything that has been thrown at me - with grace and dignity - and a really good sense of humor.

Recently, my best and dearest friend found new love and she is beyond happy. I am so thrilled for her - because I love her and always want her to be happy. She told me one evening, out of the sweetness that is her heart, that she wants me to have what she has because she has never felt this before and she wants me to be just as happy. And, while it is beautiful for her… I do have a few words regarding the perceived lack of love in my life.

I do not feel as though I am lacking anything right now. I really like where I am on my journey. I love the person I have become. I have truly learned so much about myself throughout my life, but so much so in the past couple of years, and am so at peace with what I have experienced and overcome (and believe me I have overcome quite a bit). I am continuing to learn and grow and experience new things. Every day is another precious step on this path that is my life. Sometimes the steps are steep and winding and seemingly up-hill and other times they are smooth and gentle. I have learned to appreciate every single step - especially the steep ones. (I have found that you learn more from those ones).

It is amazing, because I have met so many people recently who tell me that I have such a peaceful energy… very positive and that it radiates from within me and that they can actually feel the energy. I cannot describe how it makes me feel to hear these words, because THAT is exactly how I feel at this moment in my life; Peaceful, calm, and content.

So... allow me to meander back to the relationship issue. Yes. I would, someday, like very much to find that special someone who I know is looking for me. I would love to have the companionship… the warmth... the passion. I have no doubt that I will find this person at some point. The beautiful thing is that I know there is no time limit on finding this person, because I believe that we will find each other when the timing is right.

So, as I dip my toes into the water… ever so gently, swirling them around a bit, enjoying the cool sensation around each toe, I am at peace knowing that I do not have to jump into the water unless it is what I want. I can wiggle my toes for as long as I desire. And then, when I am comfortable I can, perhaps, put in my whole foot... slowly - enjoying each moment, gradually, and with great care. And look, just like that the water is now calm, peaceful, and gentle. Isn't life beautiful?!

Peace and Love,
Krissy

Just say, "No!"

One of the best things about me is that I am usually upbeat, positive and very happy. Given the experiences I have had in the past, that is really an amazing thing - to say the very least.

Friday night started out pretty good. After working 9.5 hours, I met my girlfriends for dinner and a drink after work while I was waiting for my son to decide when he wanted to be picked up from hanging out with his friends.

And then…  I got the phone call. The one from the guy I went on a date with last week. The call then sent my beautiful, peaceful night into a frappin’ downward spiral... well, only for a little bit – until I came to my senses.

I have decided that I would not jump into a relationship quickly ever again, because that is what seems to have gotten me into trouble.... but I also strive to be honest and up front about things.


Lesson learned: You don’t have to tell a first date your entire life story. In fact... it’s best to leave that to the people you deem extremely trustworthy - because in untrustworthy hands, the very things you have struggled to overcome become weapons of mass destruction. The very things you have fought for and against can be held over your head in an attempt to make you feel less of a person.

Thank God I have learned my own value and know my own self-worth!

So I say to you... mister downtrodden, mister bring-down, mister negativity, mister judgmental... you have picked the wrong woman to mess with.

I will no longer allow anyone to attack my character, spirit or my mind. I know I have made mistakes, but I have learned from them. I know my life is anything but ordinary - and I rejoice in that knowledge. I am strong, courageous and confident. And I will be damned if I let some insecure, little man try to rip those triumphs from me. I have fought too long and too hard to have it become unraveled by the likes of you.

So, as you slither back into the crevice you crawled out from in the first place, take this into consideration... people make mistakes. It is not your job to dangle other people’s failures over their heads in order for you to feel better about your miserably pathetic little life. People should be applauded for overcoming adversity, not condemned because they faced it in the first place.

Thank you. Thank you for opening my eyes even more. Thank you for reminding me not to trust too quickly. Thank you for showing your true colors within a week, rather than months down the line. I appreciate that.

And I end with this. I am truly sorry you are in pain. But I am not the one who caused your pain. Lashing out at everyone for some other person’s faults is not healthy or constructive. Please know that I wish you no ill will. But also know that I will not EVER, ever put up with anything less than beauty and peace in my life.

Please take care of yourself.

Krissy

Trust

It seems that along my winding, twisting and seemingly uphill journey, I have come across some unscrupulous characters, to whom honesty and integrity were severely lacking. People whom I have allowed to take advantage of my kindness. But through it all, I have continually managed to pick myself up, dust myself off and continue along my path. A little bruised and banged up at times, but still whole... and still pluggin’ away.

I have seen some amazing and beautiful things. I have had miraculous experiences. I love my life.

Why is it then, that I still seem inclined to throw up my walls - my fortress of impenetrable protection - whenever some past memory of betrayal is triggered?

I have come a long way on this journey of mine. I don’t just react. I have learned to understand, to think, to take my time, to be gentle with myself. I have always known how to be gentle with others, but it was difficult learning to be patient and understanding with myself. It’s really quite funny, all my brothers and sisters and friends have thought I have always been so strong. And, while true to a point, in the past I had always cared more about other peoples feelings than for my own. I could stick up for anybody else... except myself. That has been one of the biggest lessons I have had to learn, I suppose.

Apparently, it is lesson time again. Such is life... one big, never ending classroom. I do think that by now I should have earned some serious extra credit points, and yet... here I am, wanting to sit in the front of the class, feeling as though I am sitting in the dunce chair. Holy crap. I feel like I have had so many lessons thrown at me, that I should at least have an honorary doctorate degree in keeping going.

So, now we come to the fun part. This week’s lesson is trust. Remembering that the people who are in our lives today are not the same schmucks from the past who trampled on our hearts... that is the lesson. Surprising how simple it sounds, and yet how very difficult it can be at times.

It’s a really good thing that I am surrounded by really wise and amazing friends. One of whom told me the most beautiful thing recently. She told me that I have the power and strength within me to get back to that place of innocence. Back to where trust was natural. Back before the hurt and the pain. And that my friends, is what I am striving to accomplish.

Each day I learn more. Each day I am shown more. Each day I know more. And knowing is growing... knowing that just because something negative happened in the past, does not destine similar things to happen in the future. Knowing that if I put my time and energy into worrying about what might be, I am missing out on what is here and now. Knowing that I am the creator of my own destiny. Knowing that I am only responsible for my actions, not anyone else's. Knowing that I can only accept what is with a grateful heart. Knowing that everything happens for a reason, good or bad. Knowing that we are to keep learning everyday of our lives. That is how we appreciate how far we have come. And that is why we should not ever take anything for granted.

And so I travel on...remembering to be gentle and patient with myself, advice from another amazing friend. Knowing that I am exactly where I am suppose to be on this path. Eyes still wide open, yet opening up my heart once more, replacing the fear with hope... baby steps. I will get there eventually, as will we all.

Peace and love,
Kristina =)

What would I say?

I have been wondering about a lot of things lately. I know it has to do with the journey I am on in my life and the current spot on the road where I happen to be on that very journey. So, I am wondering, pondering, learning – about myself and where I am headed and trying to heal from past wounds.

Last night my mind drifted to a not so distant past, well OK, a little distant, but there you were. Smack-dab in the middle of my mind, leaving virtually no room for anything else! I am amazed that someone who really had so little interaction with me could make such an impact in so many aspects of my life.

I am learning that when things like this pop their stinky, sour, little heads up, it is best to deal with them “head-on” if you will, and with full-force. This is why I am writing this note.

With that being said… and a deep and heavy breath, I have to think of what I would say to you if you were able to stand before me right now.

Well... here goes something…
I think it’s my need for answers to questions I have had for so many years, – like since I was 2. I often wonder why? Why did you do or not do so many things in your life? Why were you not there for us? And, while I have very fond memories of the three years we spent on grandma & grandpa’s farm, why did you take us away from our mother and drop us off there? Why were you there for someone else’s children and not your own?

And while I do not hate you, I would be lying if I said those feelings have never crossed my mind. I still wonder sometimes… but I know that in this lifetime I will never know why. What I do know, is that everything I have gone through has made me a stronger and better person – the person I am today. I also know, that while, yes – my sister has always been and will always be beautiful, she was not "always the pretty one” as you pointed out to me... it has taken me a long time to get that one out of my head.

I was not there, dad. I did not walk in your shoes. I can only speculate, which I know is not healthy or constructive. Right now, I am working at being at peace with you. I have to believe that you did the very best you could with what you had at each given moment in your life.

And now, I want to thank you. Thank you for my beautiful brother and sister. Without them life would have been dismal and dreary. They have and will always be there for me and I for them - they are the greatest gifts you could have ever given me. Thank you for passing down the creative genes as they have served me well. Thank you for your parents - they are the best grandparents in the entire universe. Please give them hugs for me.

Being whole

I am sitting and worrying and doubting - wasting my time and energy. I see that the calm facade I have created to show the world that everything is beautiful and perfect, appears to be cracking in places, right before my eyes.

But wait. Why I am allowing this? I actually now know my own self worth. I actually know and believe that I deserve all that the universe has to offer me - and that it is all mine for the taking.

With that being said, I cannot understand why it seems as though I am falling back into the deep, dark abyss of self doubt... 

Thank God it hasn't overpowered me this time. From far below I can see the surface of the water - the light dancing, stretching it's rays, reaching down to me... reminding me that I don't need any of this doubt or worry. No one can complete me, for I am whole beyond compare.

Why is it that I sometimes forget. How is it that I get caught up in the so-called magic... trapped as if captured in the stickiness of a spider's web and the more I struggle for answers, the more stuck I become?

I will be still. I will listen... listen to the guidance and energy that surround me. I am safe. I will not allow anyone to hurt me anymore. For it is within me to find my happiness - and that happiness is independent from everything around me. This I have learned. This I will remember.

For when it is right, I will not doubt... I will not wonder... I will not be afraid. When it is right, my heart will rejoice and then, and only then will I know the true meaning of love.

Peace & Love,

Kristina   =)

Life Is a Miracle

Life is a miracle

Intertwined with all of creation

Interwoven throughout the universe

Partaking of the spark of divinity

We are ALL miraculous

© Kristina Potts, 2009

Here Now

The midday sun is shining upon this life of mine

I can taste the warmth as it enters my soul

feel the light as I become whole

I realize now it has always been,

waiting... longing for permission to enter in

Not one precious moment will again be lost

Judging... wondering... are not worth the cost

I am here now – fully present

I am finally awake

© Kristina Potts, 2009

Finding beauty amongst the crap

I have been contemplating life a lot lately. I don't know if it's just where I am age-wise, or if it's who I have grown into during the trials and tribulations that have been my life.

Here's what I have been thinking... "Life can be as beautiful as we choose to make it." Sometimes it seems as if nothing is going right, as if the planets just don't seem to align in our favor - but it's at these very times we need to take a huge - enormous step back, pause and then rethink just where we fit into that alignment.

I have had to perform some sort of inner surgery on myself; removing the pain and past hurts and replacing them with only the beautiful parts of the lessons I have learned. Of course, that is not so easy, but it does get easier with time.

So... instead of focusing my energy upon what I had been thinking were a series of really, frickin' stupid mistakes I have made, I have decided to actively view them as amazing challenges that I have overcome and beautiful life lessons which have made me into the person I am now.

It does take practice to retrain our brains to be thankful for these hurts and to love and appreciate them, rather than to be bitter and angry about them. However, I know from firsthand experience that it can be done.

For years, I have told my boys when they were dealing with bully's or difficult children at school, that we really have no idea what that child's life is like when they are not at school. They have no idea if they go home to hugs or if they go home to abuse. I have reminded them that everyone has crap that they have to go through and to overcome - which is so true. But I also told them that when we get served up a nice, big, steamin' platter of crap - it is how we deal with it that defines who we are and who we will become.

I am not saying that anyone enjoys a big platter of crap, but you can appreciate that you were served it, and then send it away with love and be done with it, because you know that the crap will not serve you in anyway. Being upset or angry or sad about the crap only hurts us, as it steals away our energy.

So... my current and future goal is to be forever grateful for everything I am blessed to have in my life - even the occasional platters of crap - because, if you think about it, without the crap in the world, we wouldn't have fertilizer and, hey, look at all those beautiful flowers that grow up out of that very crap!

I love flowers!!  

=D

Peace out!

Kristina

Valentine's Day Fun

So...

Being the single mom of a 14-year-old boy is, to say the least, very interesting. Mostly very cute. I have so much fun with him! 

Since I didn't have Valentine's Day plans for myself (or a date!), I had so much fun helping him plan the perfect Valentine surprises for his beautiful girlfriend.

We arranged for flowers to be sent to her house on Friday and we made reservations for dinner for the two of them on Saturday, only to find that her family then decided to take their family to the snow on Valentine's Day. Neither one of them were happy about it, but such is life. We simply changed the reservation to Monday afternoon & they had a lovely time.

We also had the joy of trying to find suits for him and his friend... I got lassoed into that one, but it was really thoughtful on the part of my son. When I was asking him where he wanted to get his suit from, he said we should go to Men's Warehouse because they were advertising a 2 for 1 sale and he wanted to give the free suit to his friend because his family is struggling a little right now. Well, what do you do when you get to the store with both boys and are confronted with false advertising and have only this day to get them both suits? All I have to say is, "Thank God I got my federal income tax return the day before!!"

My son and his girlfriend were voted in as the freshman prince & princess! Awwwww! How cute is that? And, the cool part is that he is so not into being popular. He's an amazing kid, with a really healthy sense of self. 

Life is wonderful!

Peace Out

xo

This Life Of Mine

Well... with over 40 years under my belt, I should have some interesting bits of information or stories... or SOMETHING! So I thought what any reasonable person in this day and age would think... I'll start a blog! And there you have it... =)

I have had the unnerving knack of choosing, dating... and too often marrying the most unhealthy people in the world for me. I can't understand it, really. I am relatively intelligent and, while not a super model, I am not hideous.

Why then, do I continually choose to have relationships with men who turn out to be... Hmmmm... let's see... abusive, controlling and cheating, an alcoholic, condescending and disrespectful? Not to mention the complete psycho I actually had the sense to not marry! And, it's not that I didn't try to make these relationships work. Counseling, therapy, books... and a partridge and a pear tree. Pretty scary, right!!??

It has been asked of me, "didn't see the signs before you were married?" Well, duh! Obviously not! For heaven's sake! I can't understand how a person can seem so sweet before marriage and then, like doppelgangers, turn into people you don't even recognize anymore.

I have actually learned so much and am grateful each day for the life I have. I have two amazing boys, one is grown the other one is in high school. Everyday is an adventure and I cherish each moment.

But believe me... this time, as I step back out into singledom and wade into the treacherous, leech infested waters of ... dating, I am going to be really cautious and very, very picky. I think I am up for the challenge. Or, I might just join a monastery.