2010

First off, let me say, "Wow! 2009 just seemed to fly by!" Second, I am really looking forward to 2010... a new decade... all sorts of possibilities and adventures await.

I have to confess that this year did not start off as I had hoped. I had a meltdown January second. My own, unique version of the classic meltdown complete with uncontrollable crying (sobbing to be precise), laying on the sofa, watching movies on Netflix, drinking a little too much vodka, partially-drunk-meltdown-texting my friend (great friend, old boyfriend - just so you're clear), eating handfuls of chocolate covered almonds and a bowl of popcorn.

I always feel like I am doing well. I feel that I have overcome so many hard times in my life... and I know I have, but then – many of those very things I think I've overcome begin to pop their nasty heads-up, saying, "Hey! Over here! HaHa!! You think you got me? Well think again!" It's like a sick and twisted game of Whack A Mole. And, on this said meltdown day, the Moles seemed to be popping up faster than ever... kinda like Whack A Mole on Crack! It wasn't just one event that contributed to this meltdown, however, I believe that it was an accumulation of many, many things. Things that I felt I had already dealt with, but obviously hadn't - at least not thoroughly.  Oh... and with the hormone shots the doc gave me for my endometriosis, meltdowns like this are even more enjoyable!

Funny how things work... one of the movies I downloaded, was "Defending Your Life". It's an older movie, but it had an amazing message for me. It was about living your life to your fullest and overcoming fear.... Hmmm... Wow! I really did need that message. Thank goodness I had the good sense to stop drinking. I went to bed at 11:30 and vowed to drag my butt out of bed and get myself to church. And that is exactly what I did.

Within 8 hours I felt like a new person.

I went to the 6:25 service and by 9 a.m. I was sitting comfortably on the beach in Santa Monica - reading the Tao of Pooh, entertaining numerous ladybugs that seemed drawn to me, watching surfers - wishing I was in the water as well, but having a very deep sense that everything was going to be fine. That I had successfully managed to drag myself out of the deep, dismal despair I had felt only hours before. I felt warm, happy, content... and very relieved.

Many friends asked me why I hadn't called them. I told them that I thought I just needed to face it and deal with it- I just had to get it all out! I have not been on my own since I left my ex-husband 15 months ago because I had a roommate (best friend) for the first 12. So these past 3 months I have been by myself a lot! Really getting into my own head, heart and soul. I have found that this experience is anything but painless... but it is profound and very necessary.

A week later, everything seems to be falling into place nicely. I finally got back in the water after about 8 weeks of no surfing due to straining my back. I even managed to catch a few waves! Yay!

A couple of my friends and I are working to start a Roller Derby team. This is so exciting and empowering! We try to skate once a week and are practicing basic skills.

As far as the love-life goes... well, let's just say that I have some options. I am taking my time. I am trying to give any new person the benefit of the doubt and not drag past crap into new relationships (not really easy, but with effort I have hope that this can be accomplished). I am enjoying my life and the new people I am meeting. I will not, however, compromise myself for the sake of having a man in my life. Open heart... but open eyes as well. As I have written before, when it's right, I will know. And, in that knowing, I will find the peace I believe can come from a healthy relationship. See? I am not bitter. I do still believe in love and relationships... Yes! I know... that in itself is quite an accomplishment.

And as I have said in the past, I will continue to love and be gentle with myself. After all, if I can't do this, what type of person would I be attracting? (Hint: see post #1)

I will leave you with a message from The Tao of Pooh by Benjamin Hoff, "Through working in harmony with life's circumstances, Taoist understanding changes what others may perceive as negative into something positive."

Peace and Love,
Krissy