Trust

It seems that along my winding, twisting and seemingly uphill journey, I have come across some unscrupulous characters, to whom honesty and integrity were severely lacking. People whom I have allowed to take advantage of my kindness. But through it all, I have continually managed to pick myself up, dust myself off and continue along my path. A little bruised and banged up at times, but still whole... and still pluggin’ away.

I have seen some amazing and beautiful things. I have had miraculous experiences. I love my life.

Why is it then, that I still seem inclined to throw up my walls - my fortress of impenetrable protection - whenever some past memory of betrayal is triggered?

I have come a long way on this journey of mine. I don’t just react. I have learned to understand, to think, to take my time, to be gentle with myself. I have always known how to be gentle with others, but it was difficult learning to be patient and understanding with myself. It’s really quite funny, all my brothers and sisters and friends have thought I have always been so strong. And, while true to a point, in the past I had always cared more about other peoples feelings than for my own. I could stick up for anybody else... except myself. That has been one of the biggest lessons I have had to learn, I suppose.

Apparently, it is lesson time again. Such is life... one big, never ending classroom. I do think that by now I should have earned some serious extra credit points, and yet... here I am, wanting to sit in the front of the class, feeling as though I am sitting in the dunce chair. Holy crap. I feel like I have had so many lessons thrown at me, that I should at least have an honorary doctorate degree in keeping going.

So, now we come to the fun part. This week’s lesson is trust. Remembering that the people who are in our lives today are not the same schmucks from the past who trampled on our hearts... that is the lesson. Surprising how simple it sounds, and yet how very difficult it can be at times.

It’s a really good thing that I am surrounded by really wise and amazing friends. One of whom told me the most beautiful thing recently. She told me that I have the power and strength within me to get back to that place of innocence. Back to where trust was natural. Back before the hurt and the pain. And that my friends, is what I am striving to accomplish.

Each day I learn more. Each day I am shown more. Each day I know more. And knowing is growing... knowing that just because something negative happened in the past, does not destine similar things to happen in the future. Knowing that if I put my time and energy into worrying about what might be, I am missing out on what is here and now. Knowing that I am the creator of my own destiny. Knowing that I am only responsible for my actions, not anyone else's. Knowing that I can only accept what is with a grateful heart. Knowing that everything happens for a reason, good or bad. Knowing that we are to keep learning everyday of our lives. That is how we appreciate how far we have come. And that is why we should not ever take anything for granted.

And so I travel on...remembering to be gentle and patient with myself, advice from another amazing friend. Knowing that I am exactly where I am suppose to be on this path. Eyes still wide open, yet opening up my heart once more, replacing the fear with hope... baby steps. I will get there eventually, as will we all.

Peace and love,
Kristina =)